the only word that i can describe today's dinner is hell.
i felt really shitty lah. it was the worst night ever. cause for the first time in life, i have never felt so lonely and so unnoticed. it was as if i never even existed. i felt like my presence was uncalled for lah. even though i was in a pretty packed room with over 20 people, i felt really empty. but luckily i didnt break down. however i knew that if i were to last there any longer, i swear i'll just cry in front of everyone lah. oh yah, the worse thing was that i have to fake a smile in front of everyone.
but i did shed a few tears in the toliet--my only form of escape from the dreaded room. ohwells, i guess i really missed my sister and now, i kinda regret not spending more time with jie when she was still here!! i really miss you jie!!! how i wish u were here.... in fact, i think i need you by my side lah. and i swear i am never gg to another dinner with my daddy's friends. unless it's a gathering with my cousins. then at least i still have my family to talk to. just now was plain torture lah!! there was no one i can talk to. because i was sitting in the children's table. shittt!!! i cant control my tears now. it's like flowing uncontrollably and i am praying that my parents wont come into the room.
so yah, i was in need of someone to at least call me there. but no one did. i guess jie was still sleeping. and suelin was doing smth else. ohwells. i guess i have to do this myself. be strong stephanie, you can do this kay.

somehow i envy you jie. at least u dont have to go through this unbearable shitty feeling of loneliness... help me someone!!!!!

Labels: i dont wanna go through this anymore